Good Morning all. I did try to update sooner but as you can imagine I had "something" on my mind. I've done incredibly well compared to past surgeries. I was prepared and ready for that day. More then I have ever been. I suppose after a few trial runs you get used to how things go.
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| Me Playing Animal Crossing in the Hospital | Before surgery. |
I think the biggest thing is getting used to the reality of it all. I drew a Eso symbol on my cast the day I got it. It has many meanings but the one that is sticking out to me right now is "True nature of reality." I used to be religious and gave everything I could to God. Now that I'm atheist, I say this in the humblest way possible, I give more credit to myself. My abilities and my realities.
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| My Enso Drawing. |
Which, has brought me through this hard choice with happiness.
That brings me to surgery day after I already went under. Once I started realizing where I was from waking up after being asleep from anesthesia. I was relieved to one, be alive and, two happy because I had made it. I had made it to after surgery. For weeks I've been at this before surgery stage. Where I was constantly thinking that I wasn't doing enough to get ready or that I wasn't doing enough to enjoy my time before surgery. I finally did reach a point where I knew I was just doing what made me happy. Which is also different from before. Once I realized that. it was smooth sailing to surgery day. Like I told you I was laughing and everything the day of. With nurses and doctors.
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| See how Obliviously happy I was? | After surgery |
So when I woke up I was in such a relaxed and comfortable state I just couldn't even begin to explain to you how over joyed that made me. I wanted to just sing and "dance" if you will. I got home and I used all my new equipment and I could just see all of the positives that day. It was crazy. I was able to be good company on phone calls and such as well! It was a completely new experience. I was riding on a cloud of joy and I didn't want to get off. I stayed up all night because I didn't want it to end. I guess I knew that it had to end at some point. We all have our bumps in the road?
The next day after that I was in such a haze of pain and medication I couldn't stay awake and I barely remember anything that happened. Then yesterday I got mad. Just felt anger at everything. All the emotions that I've felt before seem to be coming so much faster this time. I can just see my situation so much clearer then ever before. It's just knowing that this is my reality. Knowing that even with all this shit happening to me I can still go on to be that person I've always dreamed of being. Even if maybe the "walk" isn't quite the same.
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| My Cat Just showing me so much love! All of them were. Some more annoyingly then others. |
I guess what I'm trying to say is learn to see the whole picture. Learn to find your true reality and never stop doing that. You will find peace with things you've never imagined yet. I'm not going to sit here and just paint this pretty picture though. Because To find that peace you have to travel over hard bumps and trials. You have to weave through the muck. Why? because you have to feel the reality and know it.
Yesterday I had a major reality check. I just really felt mad and angry and Like I was losing it. Then I got in the shower and realized we had missed a step in getting the shower ready... Because we have sliding doors instead of a curtain I had nothing to drape over myself to keep the water from getting out! OOOPSIE right?.. yeah well I didn't realize the oops right away and just started crying and saying "I CAN'T SHOWER I"LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOWER AGAIN!" which I clearly know isn't the truth but I couldn't help but feel the despair. I hadn't felt it before, I've always just shoved all those little things that "suck" right in the back of my head and now I face them. I'm a Fighter.
You can be too. Just keep fighting. whatever the trial is. keep fighting. For now that's where I will be. Trying to fight! Until next time.
Ps. Sorry for no Vlog recently! I tried to edit my how to use a walking boot / shoe and it just needs more work then I realized so it will be a little while! Promise more are coming though!
The.Foot.Gal
Hey Kristy,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your latest blogs and looking down at the scars and still feeling the pain I thought I would hate to go through it all again as you have!
I won't offer too many words of encouragement today as you know more than most how to deal with this and what to look forward to and I would hate that my words would fall short in repaying you for the encouragement that you have provided to those who have read and watched your blogs and vlogs.
I wish we could do some days or weeks on the crutches and put up with some of the crap for you but since we can't I can only wish for a quicker than normal recovery and wish for the best for your family.