New Year | My Best Moments 2013

Happy New Year!

Photo done by Ausia Hamblin Photography 

Out of everything during the holiday season, New Years is my favorite. I've never been big on resolutions because I think it's important to challenge yourself every day. The thing that sticks for me is being able to set a time mark of where you have come within the year. Starting a new year means reinventing the you of the future.

As I sit here feeling optimistic for the future I was going to make a list of my "bests of 2013."

I'm sure I could make a pretty decent list but the first thing that came to my mind were my doctor experiences this year.

The beginning of this year I was still seeing the doctor that I had when I first moved here. I would go and get x-rays and get vague responses about the pain level I was in. He always had "positive" things to say about it.and things that made us think I was still on a path to recovery. However, after 2 years of looking at X-rays on a pretty consistent 2 month schedule I started to realize nothing seemed to be changing and I just kept having a sinking feeling every time I'd leave his office.

Eventually I got fed up and one morning during our regular Sunday brunch day I brought it up to my partner. It wasn't easy having to tell him that I really didn't trust this guy. Not because I thought it was the wrong choice but because what he had been telling us was just feeding into our "hope." This journey isn't just mine but my partners as well. He wants me to heal and feel strong just as much as I do and having to tell him that I wasn't feeling strong and that I didn't think this doctor was being honest with me was hard for both of us.

After that we went to one more visit before throwing in the towel.

It's a scary process to find a doctor and it can be emotionally troubling for long periods of time. As most great things in this world they usually have some equally bad things to go along with them. For me finding Doctor W. was finally a moment where I felt like I could breathe. I had been feeling the pain of walking on my, now known, nonunions and I was grateful to have a doctor again who seemed as concerned as I was. We all know how this story goes though. My concern was shortly followed by the news of having to start this foot surgery journey all over again.

I still remember Doctor W's eyes when he told me. They were full of sorrow. I can't imagine what it must be like for a doctor to look into a 22 year old's eyes and tell her that she will not only have to do it again but that he wasn't sure he could. I do know though that his emotion and intent was pure and humble. These are all rare and important traits for a doctor to carry.

This is the moment that comes to my mind when I think of 2013. It may seem weird to you that this is my fondest memory of the year but everything that has come to me since that day has been life changing, because this one doctor was humble enough to say I needed more.

I hope that you all have had a wonderful 2013. I know that I have had one of the best years of my life and to you viewers reading this, you play a huge part in that. Thank you.

Remember that we are all just humans getting by. Even the doctors we trust. Don't treat it lightly if you don't trust them. PLEASE find another one. The doctor I have now is someone I hope to have in my life for as long as mortality will allow. He has made this surgery less of a burden. I had someone tell me that while picking a doctor you should treat it as if going to the grocery store. Most of the time you don't just pick up the first jar of peanut butter you see but you like to choose one that will fit what you expect from the product.

and with that said. HAPPY NEW YEAR! I can't wait to share 2014 with all of you.

Until Next Time,

Kristy TheFootGal

Reoccurring Theme

I'm not sure if I've openly talked about my opinion on situations such as mine (anything that is life changing or altering). It's easy to see that I am physically handicapped. It's not as easy to see or be aware that there are two sides to having a physical handicap.

This is a very personal subject to me and I have only shared it with a handful of close friends and relatives. I strongly believe that there is always a physical and mental challenge while tackling a life changing situation, whether it be changing your diet or losing your feet. It's something that I have been able to be more aware of as I have been going through this for almost 3 years now.

Think about it this way. When you decided to cut out that daily dose of Mickey D's french fries you don't just do your body good but you mentally tend to crave or even miss it like a long lost friend. Studies have shown that people over eat because of their feelings.

I've had so many experiences and still to this day encounter at least one person a day that can not see past my physical trial. They want to know what happened? What is this thing you are on? how long have you been in that cast/boot? Is it going to get better? and well.. when you are honest and say "I do not know and neither does my doctor" they all seem to shrink away. I witness their face gone from curiosity to immediate pity. Most cases these people ask some less "harmful" questions and then walk away and continue their day leaving me with the awful sense that I just told them their dog died.

I'm not sure where you say "HEY I'M A HUMAN WITH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS." I haven't quite figured this out yet. I usually just scoot along and find a quiet place to read or indulge in my current obsession. The sense that every time I encounter someone like this doesn't go or fade away though. It lingers and sits like I just ate rotten food. In fact I've had it happen over and over with immediate family and close friends, where they swear to me that I don't deserve this and that I will get better. Then I have to silently tell myself that they mean well but the real truth is no one knows the outcome.

It's hard to make friends when so many people look at me and all they see is a big booted foot.

Until next time,

TheFootGal

Nonunion 3 Months | Updating Updating Updating

As one can imagine time has gotten away from me. When you don't have a job or anything that really "forces" you out of your home then you kind of start drifting. It makes me wonder about who invented time. My idea is that someone kept putting this off like.. eating, sleeping, tending to the crops and realized that maybe marking time would be a good idea. Anyhow, I have no real physical things marking my time. Everything I do is by choice (which is fantastic) but it can become challenging.

Like I talked about in my post My 2 Week Vacation is Over, I was starting to feel isolated. This isn't new to me. Not at all. It's like.. being a 5 year old kid with no school, choirs, and well.. all your friends have school, and choirs. So you are left to your own means of entertainment if you will. I posted a video-log on what I have been filling in my time with. If you would like to see that video just go to my channel at www.youtube.com/user/TheFootGal. Don't forget to subscribe so that you can see any video that I do not post here! Same with following my blog. These things help you stay connected to my new material.

This got me thinking and I figured I should probably also update more on how I am actually doing. That is what this space is for. This lovely lovely canvas I call my blog. I went to the beach yesterday to think through my own emotions. What I'm going through, how I'm handling it, how I continue to push on and do my "thaaaang." Lets just say I sat at the beach, put my headphones in.... and cried.

 For almost an hour. I went home feeling refreshed and much more connected with myself. However, I did end up creating this video once I got home (Yes I'm sunburnt, YOLO).

Since this is foot related I wanted to make sure you all got to see it and give you a update on... well.. Me. Mainly I just want to give some advice on how to fill in the void that comes when you get disconnected from the life you.. "once had" or "will have again" depending on the situation. Mine just happens to be the "once had" and now I have to find what's NEXT. Which is exciting. 

It's like going off to college right out of high school. So much is unknown to you. You have no idea what you are about to jump into. So many emotions come to mind when I think of high school ending and college beginning. All those emotions I seem to feel now. Excitement, anticipation, nervous, anxious, scared, sad and ready.  

If you "land on your feet" so to say and find yourself in a situation where you feel you have either been denying yourself of your true potential or you wish to move on to the next thing. Well I can say I get that. For me I have been focusing on a few things to keep myself motivated. 

1. Getting out by myself.
• I've been making sure that I go to the mall here once a week if not more. This has gotten a series of reactions from people most of which have been 'what? I'd go with you I'm sorry you are there alone.' to this I say. Yes, it would be nice to have company but on a different day when I'm not going for just "me." A lot comes with school, jobs and anything that you go out and set a majority of time in. One of those things is Independence. We all have and we all need it. This is my little way of saying "Kristy YOU GO GIRL." To my surprise it has been helping more then anything! The beach day was one of those however, Clayton did have to come with me so  I had a ride.
2. Staying away from social Media AKA Facebook
• If you are family reading this then you know that I have deleted Facebook more then once since foot surgery. I even went so far as to deleting friends and ONLY having family. When you are at a cross roads in life and maybe have a LITTLE too much time on your hands. I highly suggest if not deleting then making some hard ground rules for yourself so that you don't get caught up in everyone else's business and their so called "Facebook achievements." you are not those people. You will never be those people. If it bothers you then just walk away. So I have been working on this. 
3. Achieving something 
• No brainer right? We all like to do something we can be proud of. I talk about a lot of these things in my Video Log update. I have a list of beanies I have been working on and I plan to knit every single one! I'm 4 1/2 down! Should be starting 5 today if all goes well. I have been posting video logs and now I will updated my blog. To me these are accomplishments. 

So if you may be going through a hard time where you are experiencing intense emotions that maybe.. seem too much to handle. I hope you remember my post and remember to keep your chin up. Keep throwing those punches and when all else fails you can always email me and I'll tell you to keep throwing the punches. I screamed into a pillow the other day and let me tell you.. WOW. so much a relief. 

Also a video about Google glass and more inspiration! (Google glass is my latest obsession)

Until Next Time

TheFootGal

Nonunion Week 14 | Atrophy and Some Unpleasantness

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I want to approach my blog. I do still want to talk about my foot journey but I've gotten to a weird point where people who will be having the foot surgery will still relate but they will get better sooner than I have.

If you are reading this for tips then know you are at the right place. If you see that I've been on this journey for 3 years then please do not think that you will also be out of luck for 3 years or longer as I am. I am a rare case. My doctors have all said so. "so young" "I'm not sure why" "you are so healthy." I recently went to get my 3rd cast on and stitches removed. I was excited for both. Stitches are very uncomfortable in a cast and due to atrophy (loss of muscle) in my leg the cast had become extremely loose and wiggly causing it to be even more uncomfortable.

The three days before going in, when I started really losing the muscle, I was having a hard time. Of course I knew this was coming. I wish this was my first time and could be naive to the hardest parts of surgery. However, I knew and I posted about it showing how I'd miss my calf muscle. It took me 2 years to get both of my calf muscles back. I only had full calf muscle for 4 months before I was told I'd have to get surgery again.

To those of you who are reading this and haven't had to experience atrophy I will try to help you understand how hard it can be.

at·ro·phy

ˈatrəfē/

verb

1. 1.

   (of body tissue or an organ) waste away, typically due to the degeneration of cells, or become vestigial during evolution.

   "without exercise, the muscles will atrophy"

   synonyms:

   waste away, become emaciated, wither, shrivel (up), shrink; More
2. 2.

   gradually decline in effectiveness or vigor due to underuse or neglect.

   "her artistic skills atrophied from lack of use"

   
   

Here is a picture showing my own atrophy. I am skinny so there isn't a whole lot but muscle to lose. I'm slowly turning into bone. I have to watch my leg waste away to nothing. Then one day I'll have to go through pain and agony and work through the weakness that my leg will have become by then. It's like when you have taken too much time away from the gym; you've become fat and weak. You go to the gym and work out and what happens? You start becoming strong again. The things that come along with that strength are usually tightness, pain, and discomfort. 

This is similar to my atrophy however.. this muscle I'm losing is everyday muscle that you can't lose without actually not using it. Ever. It's the muscles you use to walk, stand, sit, squat, pic up things off the ground, etc. The muscle that by nature you need to be a human and move around. I can't use that during the healing so I lose them. Then I have to rebuild later but I haven't been walking, standing, squatting or picking up things off the floor. I've been recovering, healing, resting, and preparing. 

It's hard. To know that I am watching myself even in this small area, my calf, waste away to bone. To know that I in a small way am weak. If I tried to walk on this today I probably could but only for a short time. Just like working out you have to slowly build up how much weight you can lift or how many lunges you can do. I'm starting over again. Just like a baby who has never walked before doesn't have the muscles. Each time I go through a surgery like this I lose those muscles. It's hard to watch. It hurts me emotionally. I had to cry for it. I had to accept it. I do accept it. That doesn't change the fact that I'm human. I would like to be able to kick someones ass if needs be. 

My doctor told me some honest truth this visit. He said "Kristy, I have to be honest with you. I do not know why this happened. It's so rare and I've never seen it before. If I'm being honest it could have been done differently the first time but it wasn't anything you did."

He isn't saying that my doctor before messed up, just that my case was hard from the start and that my feet alone were a bit rare, which is probably true since my other doctor laughed and said "where did you get these feet?" when he first saw them. But the important part of that was when my doctor now said "..it wasn't anything you did."

                                                 

The relief to know that I haven't brought this upon myself is tremendous. You always have to be weary in this kind of situation. On some level you give the doctors the 'O.K' to go and work on you. There is a level of uncertainty when things don't go exactly how they should, which seems to happen a lot in my case. So again if you are here for advice then take the advice that atrophy is hard. That you will have to mourn it but that you have the strength to build it up again in the future. Don't fret and worry that this may happen to you.. because honestly my doctor has done so many of these surgeries and has never seen a case like mine. Ever. So odds are you will be fine! you will heal within a Year and be on your way to running marathons. I do hope you come back to my blog and visit. Or even contact me. I will be trying new things and exploring the world in a new way. I do enjoy success stories though so if you are one I'd love to hear about it. 

Until next time,

TheFootGal